87 – Insecurities

1 09 2010

I have been feeling especially insecure these last couple of days. It is horrible! It may have something to do with having my period, but I normally don’t have insecurities as a side-effect of menstruation. Most days I start out doing really well – I feel great about myself (or at least about a few parts of myself), but by the end of the dayI feel like shit! Lately, it has even been making me cry. By the end of the day I feel like a fat slob who doesn’t deserve anything, let alone happiness, fitness or health. It is crazy. I saw my arms in the mirror of the truck today at work, and was quite impressed. Then I moved them, and realized that what I though was my whole arm, was actually only about 2/3 of my arm. The rest was obscured in shadow. Then I realized how far I had to go, and that I really didn’t have sexy arms like I thought.

Then – I saw pictures of myself. Ouch! I feel like I look massive. I know other people don’t necessarily think that, but I think that. and it’s hard. I know I don’t have a 100% realistic view of myself, but I know that it does matter what I think. I want to like what I see in photos of myself. Is that a completely unrealistic goal? Is it not okay to want that? I know that I won’t always be happy with photos of myself, or with myself, but I want to atleast be happy with parts of it. I don’t want to look at my legs and see how fat they are – I don’t want my arms to look huge, I don’t want to always look ‘puffy’ or ‘chubby’. I don’t want to be known as the chubby one, the one who could lose a little weight, the one who ‘looks like she enjoys food’.

ARGH!!! I hate feeling insecure. What are ways to attack these insecurities? Especially when they are so deep-seeded? As in, a lot of them have been there since I was growing up. How???? How do I learn how to be okay with myself?

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