170 – Bad girl…

23 11 2010

I am a bad girl. A bad bad bad girl. I don’t even want to admit what I’ve done. Not that it is horrible, but I am in denial. So – I’m not going to do it. Not going to. Ohhhhhhh… the pain of admitting addictions. I don’t want to admit this, cause then I actually have to do something about it. But after today, I really need to. My body hates me. I hate me. Only when I am bad and don’t listen to my body. When I let my little girl inside take over and do what she wants, without regard to my body, health and spirit. Ohhhhhhh the pain of sugar addictions.

So – not that bad right. I am addicted to sugar. This week I added back honey. Not so bad… not so bad when in small amounts… not by the spoonful. The problem is. I went overboard. I didn’t just have a little bit of honey on my hot cereal in the morning. I made cookies with honey as the sweetener. And then i wanted chocolate. So I had chocolate. The problem is… chocolate is made with sugar. But I couldn’t stop myself. I probably had a few handfuls of dark chocolate chips today.

And… the consequences? My stomach hurts. I’ve been super gaseous all day. The inside of my mouth (and my throat) feels raw. and swollen. I’ve had a massive headache all day. My glands are swollen. My nose has been running and I am now super congested. And I can’t stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It wouldn’t be bad if I could just eat a little. But if it is there I will just eat more and more and more. Why???????????? I don’t get it. Where does this come from? Why do I let myself do this? Why do I need to do this? What am I trying to drown out? What am I trying not to feel? Why am I adding to my pain? Why, when I start to hurt, do I not stop? What is so hard with stopping? I don’t get it. Will someone just answer me and help me figure this out?

So – I’ve been a bad girl. But, at least I have finally admitted it. I am no longer denying it. I know I have a problem. I know that I can fix it. It isn’t just about willpower. There is something deeper. Some deeper need. Some deeper emotion. i am going to dig and dig and dig until I figure it out and work at feeling it. Work through it. And hopefully then, this power – this sugar – will not have the power over me that it does.

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