218 – Gluten Binge…

9 01 2011

I am ashamed! Though I am not going to punish myself. The gluten is already doing that for me. I went down to visit my sister in San Diego this week. As my sister is also gluten free, you would assume it would be really easy to eat a gluten free diet while I was there.

But – I was weak. I gave in. In all actuality, I looked for opportunities when I could sneak out and go binge on gluten-laden treats. I can’t believe I did that. I know I still have a lot to figure out, and I know that there is still a lot of emotion tied to all of this food related stuff that I haven’t figured out yet.

I am kind-of hoping that no one reads this post, cause I just want to wallow in my own upset stomachs, itchy back and runny nose. I don’t want to actually have to face what is really going on.

I know that part of it is that I just am not faced with those kind of temptations where I live. I don’t want crappy pre-packaged cupcakes and candy bars. Those don’t hold sway over me any more. But luscious chocolate tarts and cookies and such that are fresh from the bakery. Oh boy! But why did I have to give in? I knew how they were going to make me feel. But I did it anyway.

I think there is something that I am still holding on to with not feeling like I deserve to feel good – in my body, about my body, about me. I try to sabotage myself. And for some reason, I think that this feeling is amplified when I am around family. I don’t know why. My family never treated me badly, they never really told me I needed to lose weight or that I wasn’t good enough. On the contrary – I was always doing great things, I was going somewhere, I accomplished a lot. In more likelihood – it is the pressures I put on myself to be the best, to stop being compared to my beautiful, skinny sister. Maybe that it is… Although I love my sister and always wanted to be like her, look like her, etc… it was really hard always growing up in her shadow. Always being compared to her. So I had to work harder in order to prove that I was my own person. and maybe I took that a level further and pushed myself to be not like her in looks as well. I think I fall back into that groove anytime I am around family again. It is hard not to. But – I want to get out of that – it is not healthy to feel that way.

So – if you guys have any ideas, suggestions, etc… I would greatly appreciate it.

I can’t believe I am going to be sharing this with the world right now. A lot of personal thoughts and feelings. Please treat them and me with care!

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3 responses

18 01 2011
Rissa Ree

Sistah!
I know we’ve talked about this before and being that I am “part of the problem” (I say that with love and support) I feel that we can move through this together on some levels. I think that my presence can sometimes trigger you, no matter how much we love and enjoy each other. And so, I think one factor in being able to move through this is by continuing to be “exposed” to me to track your progress. (this is certainly not healthy in regard to gluten, as you’ve shared, but I think it will be healthy in regard to the emotional piece.)

Did you write those lists?
Write one list about what you like about yourself and write one about what you like about me – and notice those qualities that we share in common that you can embrace as good, healthy, respectable qualities. These don’t mean that we are the same, rather that we are good human beings… And notice the qualities that we DON’T share in common. These additional aspects that you like about yourself are proof of our differences.
Maybe consider doing this “comparison” and writing these lists about someone else you know to see that we all carry similar traits on some level and that is partly responsible for our attraction, admiration, love, respect for the other person.
We attract like-minded, like-hearted people to us… comparisons are natural. It’s about changing the mindset to see that in sharing that comparison aloud a person usually isn’t trying to say one is better than the other or that you are exactly alike – I think that it is more a way to share that they recognize this admirable HUMAN quality in you as well.
Essentially we are the same size… but we are not the same. Notice those differences and embrace those!
I LOVE that we have so much in common because then I know we will always enjoying hanging out, talking, sharing, being silly and all that together. We both carry a passion for GF Living – yet in this common interest we are both very different as well. You are a phenomenal chef and baker and have an amazing talent. I don’t. I do truly admire your determination and skill in this regard. Envy… maybe a little… but ultimately I recognize that my passion is drawing me in a slightly different direction in regard to the GF living. And where I can truly enjoy your talent and path of passion is by eating your good food and enjoying being in the kitchen with you and learning from you! Yup, learning from you! 🙂
And I also LOVE that we are also very different. Thinking of the number of things that we have done in our lives that are “similar” – ski bunnies, firefighters, massage, GF… we’ve approached each one of these in a very different way and had our own very unique experiences. Maybe others can’t see beyond the similarity of the job title and only we truly know our own experience of it, but maybe that’s it – being ok with that knowing of our own uniqueness; not having to prove it to the rest of the world.
I love you with all my heart sister and I am so blessed to be part of your journey and to have you as part of mine. We are great teachers to one another and great friends!

22 01 2011
projectrestoreme

Wow! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I think I needed to read this, and I can’t believe I didn’t even see it until today.
Thank you for being my sister, my friend, my mirror! I appreciate your honesty and willingness to call me out on things and help me through it all! I would love to be “exposed” to you more in order to help me work through it!
Thank you also for pointing out those similarities and all the things you like about me! You know that I feel the same about you. Thank you for helping to inspire passion in me for something again – I am really excited to continue on this GF journey with you!

27 01 2011
Rissa Ree

🙂 Made my day sistah! I love yoU!

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